So this is happening yo.
In which Nikolas Murdock reviews and makes fun of movies and videogames and other stuff. He reblogs stuff too.
I keep saying I was broken by a girl because I need to believe that my inability to connect at a romantic level with anyone I know must have been caused by someone other than me. I can’t wake up every day and look myself in the mirror and accept that I have just built a Great Wall of China around myself. So I tell myself that a girl did this. A girl is the reason I can’t maintain a stable relationship for more than a month. A girl is the reason I keep chasing unreachable girls with which I am sure I will never kiss or hug or fuck because I am super afraid of actual human contact.
I want to believe I was broken because I can’t hug anybody now because I get nervous halfway through the hug and I just want it to be over and I can’t just enjoy it. I can’t kiss anybody because I keep feeling that my lips touching anyone else is way too personal and I just can’t risk people noticing me like that. I know that ultimately, girls my age will leave me on the basis that I am fat and unattractive and girls who are not my age will leave me on the basis that I’m not old enough or not young enough or not successful enough and I have no stable job yet and I have nothing to offer somebody who wants to settle down.
I keep telling myself I’m ok because I know the second all the things I have done, am doing and will do start crumbling down on top of me like the fragile house of cards they are I will have a depressive breakdown and as much as I will want someone to open the door and watch me crumbled up on the floor crying my eyes out and afraid to get up no one will because I pushed everyone away with the excuse that I’m completely and utterly broken.
People keep telling me that sooner or later I will meet someone who likes me for what I am and who I like completely. That sooner or later I will leave this city I hate so much and live in a place I have always wanted to live in and work in the things I want to work in and have a nice house where I can cook every meal I can think of, but we all know that’s a load of crap.
Most of the time I do not let my feelings be known. My real feelings, I mean. but sometimes, I just have to stop pretending to be ok and just stare at the wall letting every storm I have inside beast around my brain. The following is a reenactment of such a beasting.
Why doesn’t (Insert girl’s name here) like me? Where are all my friends going? Where am I going? Am I doing the right thing? How would I know? Why do I feel so alone all the time? Would things be better if I was in a relationship? What do I want in a relationship? When will I get a job? What kind of job will it be? Will I ever get married?
I guess she doesn’t like us because we’re not fit enough. Maybe if we did more for ourselves physically. Maybe if we were taller or thinner or more athletic. Maybe if we were smarter. Maybe if we wrote better songs. I wonder if I had played some songs for her she would have fallen in love with me. Maybe not. I wonder if people actually like me or just put up with me.
Am I actually useful to anyone? If I wasn’t, would they tell me? How am I ever going to meet girls if I never meet anyone new? Why would I want to meet girls anyway? Relationships are stupid and hard. The same things always happen.
CRUSHES ARE STUPID AND LIKING PEOPLE IS STUPID AND FEELINGS ARE STUPID